Math on Your Toes
(A Satirical Anthem)
Verse 1:
Welcome to my classroom where "we think on our feet"
If you pull up a chair, that's a punishable defeat
"What's wrong with your legs?" I say with a smile
I'm forty-four and standing, been doing it all the while!
No chairs at my boards, it's a vertical space
For vertical people with vertical grace
Your backpack's on your seat, pushed under your desk
If you're tired already, you're failing my test
Chorus:
Math on your toes, that's how thinking goes!
"Sitting is the new smoking," everybody knows
I can spot who's faking from across the room
The chairs are lava, they spell your doom
Math on your toes, building stamina shows
You're being "disrespectful" in a sitting pose!
Verse 2:
"Lunch detention?" stops them every time
Making chair graveyards, yelling "RIP" in rhyme
I know my students better than they know themselves
Those IEPs and 504s just gathering dust on shelves
"We don't sit" - a quick reminder is all you need
Peter's research says so (though I've never done the read)
Blood flows to your brain when you're standing up straight
(Don't Google that science, just participate!)
Bridge:
"Too young for pain," that's what I always say
"Just being lazy," "disengaged" all day
Invisible illness? That's the exception not the rule
In thirteen years of teaching, never seen it in my school!
Parents enable, kids just want to slack
"Put those chairs away!" while I patrol and attack
If one kid sits then they'll all want to follow
My classroom management would be totally hollow!
Final Chorus:
Math on your toes, ignore ME/CFS and POTS!
"You never do written warnings?" Well I write them lots!
Energy and vibe, that's what standing's about
If you can't keep up, then you're clearly checked out
Math on your toes, everybody knows
That compliance and thinking are the same thing, I suppose!
Outro:
(Spoken, sarcastically)
"Obviously if they have a documented disability..."
"But teachers know who really needs flexibility"
"It's research-based!" I declare with pride
While the actually disabled are pushed aside
Standing builds character, sitting shows you're weak—
Wait, why won't these kids participate or speak?
(Fading)
The chair graveyard grows, the irony shows...
We've replaced desk-sitting with forced tippy-toes...
All highlighted quotes based on actual educator comments and attitudes critiqued in this satirical piece